Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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