you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
