A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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