I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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