youre lurking in front of me
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
