god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
