3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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