i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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