Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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