I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
