it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
