Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
