Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
