Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
