Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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