there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
