he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
