I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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