Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
