Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
