Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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