Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
