Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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