i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
