I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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