you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
