every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
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N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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