one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Boobs speak an international language.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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