The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
