she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
