textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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