I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
