I wanna bring you to show and tell
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
