She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
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I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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