my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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