the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
