No stitches, just platelets and will power
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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