Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
