i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
meet me or not, i'm out of control
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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