I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
