Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just threw up on my dentist
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
