Michael Bay diarrhea
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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