i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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