These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's get the cat blown out
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
