and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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