she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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