Will you blow on my dice?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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