i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
