just come out here and I will go home with you...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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