What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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