thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
