Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
