i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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