I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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