my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
