OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
